Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
