Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
