the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
