i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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