im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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