there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
