if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
