Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
