i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
