sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
