I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
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Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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