And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
