see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
