I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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