quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
