overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
