So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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