i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
