I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
