Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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