The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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