you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize