Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
