why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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