She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
