so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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