I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
