Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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