the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
