wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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