Soap is not a condiment
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
