Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
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I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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