During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
