By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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