Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
