Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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