After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
