Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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