Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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