someone threw a dead crab at me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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