u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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