I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
