i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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