yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
