She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
