Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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