Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
