he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
