i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
