I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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