I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
