the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
