Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
