college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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