and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
