she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
