Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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