i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
